Showing Up with Kindness
By Melanie Heitkamp, LCSW
Some of the most powerful moments I’ve witnessed in my 40+ years working with youth didn’t happen in therapy offices or courtrooms. They happened in school hallways, park benches, and quiet corners of drop-in centers—when one young person noticed another and chose to show up.
No big speeches. No drama. Just presence. Kindness. A decision to say, “You’re not alone.”
We live in a culture that too often rewards the loudest voice, the sharpest insult, the biggest performance. But kindness—real, intentional kindness—is still what changes people. It still changes outcomes. And when it’s modeled by youth, it’s transformative.
Why Showing Up Matters
When someone is being mocked, left out, or targeted—and no one responds—that silence can be louder than any insult.
But when someone steps in?
- Tension breaks.
- Shame shrinks.
- The person being hurt feels seen.
- And the behavior often stops—quickly.
In fact, researchers have found that when a peer speaks up or offers support, incidents of harm or exclusion end within 10 seconds more than half the time (Craig & Pepler, 1997). That’s not theory. That’s real-time change driven by the courage of young people.
Chart: The Impact of Showing Up
| Action Taken by Bystander – Silent or Passive Response – Clear or verbal interruption – Quiet presence near the target – Private check-in afterward – Group disengagement from cruelty | Result – Bullying escalates or repeats – Bullying ends within 10 seconds in 57% of cases – Signals safety, lowers emotional harm – Increases the target’s sense of connection and healing – Reduces likelihood of repeat behavior |
Sources: Craig & Pepler (1997), Youth Voice Project (2010)
Leading with Presence, Not Perfection
You don’t have to be the loudest person in the room.
You don’t have to confront someone head-on.
You just have to care enough to act.
Kindness isn’t soft. It’s strategic. It’s protective. It changes the climate in a room or a thread. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to lead with it.
Five Ways to Show Up
Sometimes kindness is quiet. Sometimes it’s direct. Here are ways young people have made a difference—without needing to be perfect.
- Interrupt gently: “Let’s talk about something else.”
- Join the one left out instead of joining the crowd.
- Stay nearby when something feels off—it changes how safe someone feels.
- Use body language: a glance, a nod, a shift in energy can be enough.
- Follow up later with a message: “Hey, I saw that. Are you okay?”
These small choices add up. When youth choose kindness, it teaches everyone around them what’s possible.
What Kindness Builds
Kindness protects. It disrupts harm. But it also builds:
- Connection – People feel less alone.
- Belonging – Groups feel safer, more open.
- Leadership – Others start to follow your example.
- Resilience – The person being hurt sees that one moment doesn’t define them.
- Hope – That things can get better because people like you exist.
Final Words from Melanie
I’ve spent my career listening to young people tell me what it feels like to be invisible—or worse, to be watched while someone hurts them and no one intervenes.
But I’ve also seen what happens when just one person shows up with kindness.
The whole story changes.
Culture doesn’t shift all at once. It changes one choice at a time.
And I believe in your power to make that choice.
If you’re someone who’s ever been told you’re “too sensitive” for noticing the pain around you, I want you to know: that sensitivity is your strength.
That awareness is your gift.
Keep noticing.
Keep caring.
Keep choosing kindness.
Even when the world tells you not to.
Especially then.
With gratitude,
Melanie
About the Author
Melanie Heitkamp, LCSW recently retired after more than four decades of service to youth and families in North Dakota. She began her career in child protection and spent the last 25 years as Executive Director of Youthworks, where she led efforts grounded in trauma-informed care, youth empowerment, and prevention. Her legacy continues in every young person who chooses dignity over division.
A message from Mark Heinert, Executive Director
At Youthworks, we see kindness as more than a value—it’s action. When young people support one another, when they step in and stand beside a peer who’s being dismissed or disrespected, that’s real courage. It’s what reshapes a room, a culture, a life.
Adults often ask us how they can help in a time when cruelty seems louder than care. My answer is this: Notice when kindness happens. Name it. Elevate it. And make space for youth to lead.
Youth don’t need us to speak over them. They need us to believe in what they already know: that showing up for one another matters.
You can support this shift by mentoring, offering space for youth-led groups, or simply being the adult who reflects their values back to them. It’s not about stepping in to fix it. It’s about stepping aside to let them lead.
