Join Their Joy
By Melanie Heitkamp, LCSW
There are a lot of moments with young people that are easy to overlook.
They’re on their phone watching something you don’t understand. Laughing at a video that seems completely random. Sending memes back and forth that somehow stay funny after the tenth time they’ve watched them.
Or maybe they’re talking about something you don’t connect with at all.
The shoes they saved up for. The perfect prom dress. A skateboard trick they’ve been trying to land for weeks. A book series, video game, or hobby you’ve never heard of.
From an adult perspective, it’s easy to think, This isn’t important.
But when something brings a young person joy, it becomes an opportunity to build connection.
One of the biggest misconceptions adults have is that relationships are built during the big conversations. We assume trust is established when we finally sit down to talk about grades, behavior, mental health, substance use, or whatever challenge has brought us to the table.
In reality, those conversations are often where relationships are strengthened. They are usually built long before anyone sits down to have them. More often than not, they’re built in ordinary moments we almost overlooked.
Relationships aren’t built during crisis.
They’re built while you’re standing in the kitchen listening to them explain why one Marvel movie completely ruined an entire storyline. They’re built while they’re teaching you the rules of a video game you’ll probably never play again. They’re built when they spend fifteen minutes explaining why one skateboard is completely different from another and you resist the urge to say, “They all look the same to me.” They’re built when they’re excitedly showing you pictures of the outfit they want for prom and, instead of commenting on the price, you ask, “What do you love about that one?”
None of those moments seem particularly significant. But every one of them quietly answers a question young people are constantly asking:
Do you enjoy being with me, or do you only engage with me when there’s something to fix?
Join Their Joy
One of the best ways to build a relationship with a young person is simply to spend time in something that already brings them joy.
That doesn’t mean you suddenly have to love skateboarding, become an expert in gaming, or start reading every book they’re excited about. It simply means recognizing that what matters to them is worth your attention because they are worth your attention.
Maybe they want to explain why this manga series is so good. Maybe they’re trying to teach you a skateboard trick. Maybe they want you to hear a song they can’t stop listening to.
The topic isn’t really the point.
The invitation is.
Every time a young person says, “Watch this.” “Listen to this.” “Come see this.” “Let me show you something.” they’re inviting you into something that matters to them. You can accept that invitation, dismiss it, or redirect it. Over time, those small choices communicate something much bigger. They tell a young person whether you enjoy them, not just the opportunity to help them.
One of the easiest ways to accept that invitation is to let them be the expert for a while.
Ask them to teach you.
“How do you even learn skateboard tricks?”
“What makes this book series so good?”
“Show me how this game works.”
“I’ve never heard of that artist before. Where should I start?”
Those aren’t just questions. They’re signals that what matters to them
What Joining Their Joy Can Look Like
- “I don’t get why you watch this.”
- Ending the conversation after one answer.
- Looking for a lesson to teach.
- Critiquing their music, hobby, or interests.
- Waiting until they’re struggling to connect.
- “Show me what you like about it.”
- Asking one more question.
- Looking for something to understand.
- Staying curious long enough to understand why they enjoy it.
- Building the relationship when nothing is wrong.
Be Genuine
Watch the video.
Listen to the song.
Learn the rules of the game.
Try the skateboard.
Maybe even do the awkward TikTok trend.
About the Author
A message from Mark Heinert, Executive Director
Who is an adult that believed in you when you were growing up?
For me, it was Duane Mueller, a teacher and coach at Kenmare High School during the 1980s. I was fortunate to have him as both a teacher and coach throughout my high school years.
Mr. Mueller believed in me long before I fully believed in myself. Whether I was in the classroom, on the basketball court, or competing in track, he challenged me to do more than I thought I was capable of. He saw potential I couldn’t always see on my own.
Looking back all these years later, I realize the confidence he helped build didn’t end with graduation. It has stayed with me throughout my career, my family life, and now in my work at Youthworks. I know now what a gift it is to have an adult who believes in you.
At Youthworks, we often say our mission is to help ensure all youth have a safe place to belong and be heard. We work toward that mission every day through our programs, but it doesn’t end with us.
It continues in our schools, neighborhoods, churches, workplaces, coffee shops, parks, and grocery stores. It happens every time an adult chooses to notice a young person, encourage them, listen to them, or simply take an interest in what matters to them.
Melanie reminds us that relationships are often built in ordinary moments—when we choose to join a young person’s joy instead of rushing past it.
So let me leave you with one final challenge:
Be the Mr. Mueller in a young person’s life.
You don’t have to be a teacher or a coach. You simply have to be an adult who believes in them, encourages them, and reminds them they matter.
You may never know the impact you have.
But years from now, a young person may still remember your name—and the difference you made.
